I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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