i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
