im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Randomize
