there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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