Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
