I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
