Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
