I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
