Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
