Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Drake has all the answers
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
