so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
