Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Randomize
