my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
