someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
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You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
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After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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