i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
