I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
