Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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