I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
