Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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