the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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