I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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