dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
