I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
