We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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