tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Welp...herpes.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
