i'm signing you up for texting rehab
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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