literally had 100 drinks last night.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
