i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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