the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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