There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
