OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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