You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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