It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
