We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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