i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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