i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
