Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
