I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
