Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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