I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
