So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
