Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
