My balls are so social today.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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