someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
