when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
