What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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