I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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