There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
