Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
