Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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