there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
porn star boner night. come get it.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
