Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
