Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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