Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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