this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
