Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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