Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
