did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
