Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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