Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
