I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Welp...herpes.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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